I feel isolated. So many people are around and I feel no desire to talk to any of them. Part of me wants to be included in their world, but another part knows that I’ll never be apart of it.
Why do I feel so separate? Maybe I’m realizing that I no longer belong?
My past is not who I am and yet it has ruined every aspect of my life. No matter how much everyone claims I am a new person and it isn’t held against me, I know each person was affected so greatly by my actions and there is no way to change how everything started.
I’ve made so many stupid decisions and I’ve never fully forgiven myself because I know that it’ll always be hanging over me. It’s part of the “how we met” story, “how I got here” story, “why I’m no longer there” story.
My life will never be able to restart until I can forgive myself, but how do you forgive yourself when you know that you let the one person you were meant to be with slip away? I refuse to forgive myself.
At first I was able to convince myself I was doing the right thing. Sometimes relationships need a break, right? Well, eight months later and I’m still a wreck. I miss him. I miss him every day. Every hour. Every-single-freaking minute. Why did I do it? Why did I think it was a good idea to “test” things? In the end, neither of us was happy with how things were. And, if I’m truly honest with myself I know it was the right thing at the time. Yet, with the reality that we are both about to start new journeys in our lives, separately… it terrifies me. What if he is gone forever? How could I have let that happen? After all the mistakes I’ve made in my life… this is the one that keeps me up. This is the one decision that makes me lose control of my emotions at the most inopportune times.
My life is a wreck. My ability to get out of bed each day has slowly been deteriorating since school’s start. Life seems pointless. I don’t mean being alive is pointless, but living. Why am I trying? What am I working towards? This was the one relationship where I did not base my future goals on the person I was with, we both lived our lives and knew what we wanted and were just doing it together. Yet, for whatever reason, since everything ended I’ve lost my drive.
Could this be a quarter life-crisis? The questioning of one’s life after realizing that I may not want what I’ve to be loved and happy—that’s it.
At this point, I’m realizing there is something wrong with me. I gave up all my dreams and aspirations at a young age to please others. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be an actor. I loved being creative but now I have no ability to write a cohesive blog post without it turning into mindless dribble. Maybe one day I’ll find my passion again. One day I’ll accept the fact that I will be alone for most of my life and I may be able to accept that eventually. One day.
